From LM, London 2nd April 1997

Dear Maurice
Dave B's letter about "wresting from religion" and his extremely apt virtual reality analogy of religion have got me thinking some more about the latest "Insights" on your favourite subject

I'm definitely one of the folks out there still 'wresting'. "It is all of grace … So very few see it." Too true. Many of us still have a major problem making this reality part of our life and thinking. It seems so simple yet it remains so elusive. I'm trying to fathom out why. Do you think I could be getting warm with the following?

Over the years, we become so attached to feelings of religious guilt, inadequacy and failure that they become part of us, who we are. They eat into our life and pervade many of our thought processes like some nasty rampant cancerous growth. They become inextricably interwoven into our whole personality. So much so, that it becomes 'normal' to carry around all this psychological crap and we can't imagine life without it! We would feel so insecure without our insecurity and guilty if we didn't feel guilty!!?? Some sort of maladaption process. Make sense?

A bit like people with a major health problem such as a weak heart or arthritis. Their illness becomes part of who they are, how they see themselves and they adapt their life and conversation around it. These people are often reluctant at the prospect of being totally well and fear to be healed because it would disrupt their image of themselves and their altered life-style, something they have grown uncomfortably comfortable with, and without it they would have an identity crisis

In the same way, could it be that some of us are reluctant or unable to take on board the concept that it is all of Him, all of grace? We simply cannot imagine life without guilt, insecurity etc because we have become so accustomed to that way of thinking?

I have been out of a church situation now for about twelve years, see very little of 'conventional' Christians and read very little literature but still the old feelings persist and rear their ugly heads especially when I'm feeling low and wobbly … maybe they cause me to feel low and wobbly? I think that for me absolute Grace is for much of the time only a virtual reality. Just now and then I glimpse the real thing and it is inexplicably, breathtakingly wonderful - and then frustratingly it disappears from view and I CANNOT of my own will cause it to reappear.

Does any of this ring true to you or reflect what some of your many friends struggle with or am I going slowly barmy in my own little world? …

Would love to come and spend a day with you again, Maurice. Am up to my neck in college work and exams at the moment but will get back to you on this in the near future.

Much love
LM

©see final page