TRUTH . . . IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

As I draw to the end of my story you will remember that in an earlier chapter I related my experience on a grey wet week-end in the English Peak District. This learning curve has been hugely intensified during my recent 'dark night' of depression and frustration; but the reward is proving inestimable.

It seems that there are a few occasions in our lifetime when we make great strides forward and know things will never be quite the same again. At least that appears true for those of a certain temperament. During my seventy-four years sojourn there have been four such important instances that readily come to mind and the most recent is still making its impact upon me every day.

Of course although we may make these gigantic leaps forward and all the house lights may come on at once - to badly mix our metaphors - usually the process has been lengthy, even if the capstone is put in place suddenly. My stone was lowered by a post-stroke neuropsychologist who pointed out that even though I had taught many people about the need to live in the grey areas of life, I still operated in black and white mode myself. That is the way I had solved problems all through my life. But of course others, like Adolf Hitler and Margaret Thatcher to quote extremes, have done the same (though I do not infer they make happy bedfellows) and the long term results have been devastating in very different ways. So have many of my impetuous decisions based as they have been upon a negative and unrealistic outlook.

Now it was the time to consolidate the earlier lessons of correct thinking. Thankfully my consultant did not say I had to become a positive thinker, for I have always known that becoming positive was not the answer to my negativity. So many breakdowns have been caused by trying to pull ourselves up by our bootlaces. There was a need to appraise each situation in the light of reality, of the true facts as best known to me at the time.

Depression had settled on me about a year after I suffered the stroke that had reduced me to constant inactivity. The stroke was soon to be followed by tragic family circumstances that it would be insensitive to unveil here. Being out of circulation and unavailable meant my correspondence dropped drastically when I failed to reply. That and the advent of e-mail. Visitors could not come because I soon became over-tired. In addition to my incapacity and the tragedy, I now had to cope with seeming redundancy. Until now I had persuaded myself that I was living life as a human being and not a human doing! However it was evident that without someone for me to help, or give counsel to, I was far from being a satisfied personality.

//Continued