TRUTH . . . IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE
(continued)

Returning from the neuropsychologist's appointment I was determined to be less black and white, to take a more rounded view of things and that seemed a daunting task. But it wasn't. It seems much work had been done over the period of hard labour experienced as depression and loneliness. During all this time, and throughout the tumultuous history recorded in these chapters, help had now appeared in the form of a local lady who was a friend and also a qualified therapist. This, along with several books, some of which are listed as further reading at the end of these pages, was of inestimable value. Once again the mystic saying had proved true: 'When the pupil is ready, the Master appears'.

After months of serious complaining to God, I knew I had entered yet a further new dimension of living. One major contributory step was making a simple decision to be happy or content in all circumstances. Not to make myself happy by putting on a permanent smile and doing happiness. Just a decision to be and to wait for the results to appear. I had not long to wait before the joy began to rise from inside me, from my higher or deeper source. If the miseries started to return I just reiterated my intention to be content. I suppose it was a commitment to happiness. I want to stress that this was easy to do because I was not trying to make anything actually happen. At long last I was truly being, and not doing, but with a difference - the decision to be a certain way.

Looking back I can see I really wanted to be different, not only for my own sake but for those closest to me. That wanting had taken time to develop. I could not help but remember the reported words of Jesus, 'Wilt thou - or do you really want to - be made whole?'. He was not asking me, 'Do you want your situation altered? Do you want your life made easier?'. Many people I talk to want other people to change, then they feel their own lives will be happy; but being whole means coping with life just as it is. That needs thinking about.

My answer was a resounding 'Yes, I do!'. As I write it is early days, but the evidence of change is clear and my wife will attest the difference it is already making to our lives. Another phase for her to live through! Of course the phase will entail consolidation, not just the pressing of a magic solve-all button. There will be constant application ahead no doubt.

Perhaps a small 'for instance' (the salesman's essential words) will help to illustrate a little of what had happened to me. In justification let me say I had never despised small things and the words 'Faithful in little, faithful in much' had always appealed to me greatly.

'Would you like to go out for a drink, dear?' I enquired
'Yes' Eileen replied from upstairs, 'What shall I wear?'.
'Why don't you wear what you have got on?' I called back.

Now that is a first. For fifty-two years of married life I had been fussing about what Eileen wears or whether she had a strand of hair out of place. No wonder many of our friends think she deserves a sainthood for coping with my perfectionist ways. (I've always contended she looks pretty good on this treatment!)

//Continued