TRUTH . . . IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE
(continued)

It seems now as if I had been standing at a gate for years, holding it open for others to go in and enjoy the pastures of happiness; but I was unable to go in myself. I had spent my time worrying (but was not worried I was worrying, which apparently helped many). Now with no-one to minister to, I was forced to seek earnestly for my own contentment if I was not to end my days as a miserable old has-been and a family bore endlessly discussing my ailments. At last I felt really happy with my own lot. I even ceased complaining that life is not fair. Problems had not all suddenly disappeared, but I had now assumed a new perspective and trust I shall continue to do so.

So what has been the best thing to happen to me in recent years? The answer is clear if surprising: a stroke that put me in hospital for a month, stopped me in my tracks and caused my ever hectic life-style to dry up. Prospects for another London Marathon were clearly ruined as I was reduced to a long period of learning to walk again. In this I have been extremely fortunate and two years on my progress is so good you would hardly discern a limp - well not over short distances.

Undoubtedly one great spin-off has been my new independence from other people, with the ability to stand alone - something I have written and spoken about over the decades! Eileen has been the 'wind beneath my wings' for many years and I don't know how I would have survived without her support; but now I trust I will be able to increasingly fly alongside her, operating in what I believe the experts call inter-dependence - or collaboration, to quote Scott Peck. A friend from Arizona recently referred to Eileen as my PR lady. I suppose that means others can observe how someone of her delightful disposition has stayed with such a vacillating toad for over half a century and conclude I can't be all that bad!

As I draw to a close I am reminded of the time we moved to this small cottage in a Kentish village some sixteen years ago. I felt my itinerant usefulness might be over and I was being put out to grass. I wanted to know if there was a purpose in such a move - you can see how unbearably full of purpose I have been. Needless to say I bombarded God with my enquiry as usual.

'You are going to have your mind renewed', seemed to be the insistent internal answer.

Having always been an emotional disaster I felt this area should have been a greater priority, but somehow even way back then I vaguely understood that wrong thinking was behind the painful emotions I so often suffered. Yet I did not know how to change. My emotive reactions to negative black and white thinking had for many years flashed around affecting various parts of my anatomy at the unstoppable speed of light. The link between wrong thinking and my feelings has caused emotional and physical havoc. It has also caused long term concern and distress to my family.

This stretch of life's journey has indeed been a very long haul and a painful one too. However I am now thankfully reaping some rewards in this life, not just the familiar 'pie in the sky when we die'. However, being a firm believer in the hereafter, I am fully convinced that the benefits will also be carried over. Well that's not such a bad deal is it, even if the restless nights and miserable days at times tempted me to believe I was on an endless conveyer belt with no end product? I am glad to know that is not true.

The truth is I have been in good hands all the time.

© Maurice Smith 2004

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